My Own Krappy World

My Own Krappy World

Monday, 2 January 2017

Honest Confessions.

You ever feel sometimes that you’re completely alone? I mean, completely alone? Like, no matter how many people are surrounding you, no matter how much fun you’re apparently supposed to be having, no matter how great and amazing and fantastic your life is supposed to be, it just… Nothing feels… Right? You know what I mean, right? When you wake up in the morning and have to fight to get out of bed, and when you eventually do it’s a struggle to get in the shower, then to get dressed, then to leave the house. Then you’ve got to deal with people. Freakin’ people. I love people as much as I want to be left alone by them. I know how contradictory that is, I really do, but some part of you understands where I’m coming from. All we are on this Earth, all we leave behind are memories, moments where we achieved great things, moments where we lived, we laughed, we…. We fell in love. Which is so funny to me, y’know? Because one minute we’re so hopelessly in love with someone, that person becomes our world, and then in a heartbeat, they can be gone forever, and life just kind of… carries on. As if they were never there to begin with.All your friends stop mentioning them, your family acts as if they were never there to begin with, and then you move on to the next person and your friends say that they’re amazing, and you are so great together, and you truly believe it will last forever, but then… It doesn’t. It just… Stops. You’re alone. You’re alone. You go back to how life used to be before they were ever around. Life goes on. That’s just… So strange to me. So heart wrenchingly strange. To become a total stranger to someone who you opened your heart to, who bared their all to you, in mind and body and spirit… To go from that close to total strangers… I don’t understand. I don’t understand people though. They confuse and yet fascinate me. How can everyone assume that they’re unique and complicated and individual when all we all do is the same things generation after generation, only for longer life cycles at a time with more shiny things to distract us from our mortality every generation. Because we all die. All of us. People say that the one thing we all have in common is that we all have to pass on one day, but that’s… That’s complete and utter bullshit to me. We all strive to become someone to remember. We all have the urge to be the best, to be someone that’s liked by all, to become a perfect person, in both mind and body.To say that all people have in common is that we all die is so very… Human. To relate everything back to death, as it’s what we all fear. We’re all scared of that terrifying void that will one day consume us, and what’s even scarier than not being here to live is that… One day no one will remember you. One day people are going to wake up and not remember you ever existing. They won’t care about your accomplishments, because why should they? They’re people. That’s what people are. That’s what people do. People are selfish and awful and liars. They lie about all their basic needs and natures, about how what they really want in life is for them to be number one in all situations, in order to impress other people who also want to be the best. But we can’t all be the best. Only one person can be the best. But we refuse to admit this. About each other. About ourselves. Because… that’s what people do. That’s why I don’t understand people. That’s why I feel like I’m not human most of the time, because I don’t understand how I can be the only person who can see the  performance that is life. The fakeness of it all. I want so badly to be a part of it all, but I know I’m already trapped outside, forced to feel like a stranger in his own body, in his own mind. Like a person watching life from the outside.

I don’t get people.

I don’t think I ever will.

That’s fine.

I guess I’ll just be alone.

That’s okay.
Alone in with my thoughts.

Forever.