My Own Krappy World

My Own Krappy World

Sunday, 28 May 2017

Dreaming

I had a dream last night. In the dream you were there. You were there curled up in me, rolled up into a ball on my chest, listening to my heartbeat, pretending to be asleep so I wouldn't stand up. Every time my chest rose you nestled in a little deeper, every time it dropped you followed it down. You were so comfortable. We were both so comfortable. Together.

I looked down at you and felt that rush of warmth, that rush only you could give me by merely being there. That warm feeling that burns away all the badness going on in life and makes me feel like I might be able to get through the day. I placed my hand on your face to let you know I still cared, to let you know I was still protecting you from the harshness of the real world. Your face was so warm from the rush of blood to your cheeks, yet so cold everywhere else. Like you were made of porcelain, a tiny porcelain doll I had to care for. You were like an alien to me, so strange and complex, yet so familiar all at once.

You turned your head to stare into my eyes. You were so beautiful. Your eyes drowning me in a sea of blue, your nose twitching in anticipation for whatever you were excited to say to me. You looked up at me, and I fell in love all over again. You opened your mouth, your soft lips smiling as you spoke, uttering the words that kill me every time I hear you say them. I was never prepared to hear you say it but was never upset to hear it anyways. Because it was you. You were you. You opened your mouth, the mouth I had tasted so many times before yet every time felt like the first, and said it; "I love you".

I didn't have a chance to respond. I blinked. I blinked and it's a few weeks later and we're fighting. You're losing your head at me over something small that I don't understand but want to so badly. I want to stop hurting you. I want to stop dealing you pain. But I don't and I can't and we continue fighting, hurling insult after insult at each other, getting more and more upset inside but refusing to show it in case the other person doesn't feel the same way. Refusing to just stop and give each other a hug and letting whatever the world did to hurt us go for just one damned second because we've both been hurt so badly in the past but are so fucking afraid of hurting anyone else with our actions or by existing that we just tear ourselves away from those we love and who love us. So afraid to let ourselves feel happy for too long in case that just stops one day and we're alone again exactly like we assumed we'd be. So afraid to give ourselves over one hundred and ten percent. So afraid.

I blink again and this time I'm in my room on my own. You're not here. Your stuff is gone. The room is bare without your input, just like my heart. I didn't want this to happen.  I assumed it would one day, so does that make it my fault? Was not giving you my all because of the fear of you leaving me why it ended? Am I destined to die frustrated and sad because I can't give myself over to anyone in case they hurt me all over again? Why bother then? Why try at all with anyone ever, if the cycle is destined to continue. Why have friends, why have relationships? Why fall in love if after all is said and done we all just end up hurting each other by not being there when they need you most? Why try at all? Why? Why? Why?

I wake up.

Alone.

Again.